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Forever Ends Everyday
i feel like i am going insane now…. maybe i really am. i woke up from a nightmare where all i did was cry over and over again about the same song which reminded me of you. i really am headed to a mental institution now. the only thought that plays over and over in my head is, “my life was perfection and you turned it into a living hell.” i think it doesnt really help that you tell me it is my own fault all the time. i know it is, but you are not helping. all you want to do is see me go mad. the worst part is that i believe you are actually managing it. the rumors of that psycho ex girlfriend coming true. my brain is running laps around the universe in seconds thinking about you. why doesnt this make sense? will it ever? anxiety is running through my fingers and typing all this words down like there is no salvation. i must be saved…. i must… unless… there is no salvation. my only salvation is you and you wont give me it because you believe i am a psycho which is what i am turning into. then again, i am only turning into this crazy person because you believe it and so do i. take me back! i dont want to be this person. i dont want to turn into this. Make it stop! make it stop NOW! i cant fucking take this anymore. words without sense. sentences with no meaning at all. everyone knows, dont they? oh, but they must know. you are the only thing i talk about. the only i listen to. the only thing i breathe is you and the only thing i dont have at all. Desperation, Desperation! Ah, shit! what have i turned into? there is a world i could write about this man and none of it good at all. i hate him. i hate to love him. the thought of him turns me insane. i hate to love him and i hate that i once met him. i wish i could forget iternally everything i know about him. i wish we never completed each other sentences and i wish we never shared a meal. i wish spilling everything out would help but it wont. nothing can help me at this point of no return. Maybe it is madness. maybe its depression. i can get away, right? but which way? laps, laps, laps. stop, stop, STOP! take a break. my hands and fingers are going numb. i cant even type right. a million gramatical errors. fragments, run on sentences, and total utter chaos. my english teachers and my best friend, who is an english mayor, would be appold, or however it is spelled. not like it matters. nothing matters anymore. the only shit that is real right now is the fact that i cant even fucking stop thinking about you. wait! i just did for a second when i focused on my grammar, but here you are again. Damn it! this is fucking ridiculous. what is even the point of this? no one to read it. no one to know, but then again… they know. you all know everything. how a man completely tore apart not only my heart but my fucking brain. this is what happens when your biggest fears come true. You go nuts. the man is not right. why is it so much easier for him? why can he just smile and find a replacement just like that? simple and easy, my dear. the fucking bastard is young, a military man, and of course that this dumb ass psycho showed him just how to be himself and be a perfect lover. i know, i knew all along this would happen. i knew he would leave me to experience the world and swim between other legs. my biggest fucking fear was that he would recognice that i wasnt enough for him. then, one fucking beautiful day, there it was. i gave him the perfect bloody fucking excuse to leave my fat ass. i wasnt ready to get married because i was young. he had told me to wait about the wedding because he wanted me to study but that was when my mind started running and got the fucking idea that he just didnt want to be with me and wanted to experience better girls. who could blame him? i was his first everything. then, i got fat, ugly, insecure, and most importantly… scared. my fault,it was all my fault in deed. then again, i just knew he wasnt ready for me. he couldnt help me. he didnt want to help me anymore. he was tired of me and could not stand me anymore. i told him and warned him from the start. everyone gets annoyed by me. everyone gets used to seeing my tears and believe my suffering no longer. im going crazy. i cant stop thinking the same things over and over again. How do i stop my brain from thinking? i wish i had a gun. it would be so easy and painless. i couldnt get one now… everyone suspects. depression, anxiety, heart beating faster and faster with every word typed. what to do? what to do? this has to end. this has to end and soon. i know… a knife. no, its a big bloody mess and slow and painful. a nuse perhaps? no, fuck! i would need a strong and high beam and a good rope at that. i know… its just perfect. this is the most brilliant idea i have ever had. i always wanted to fly as a child. i wanted to be a bird and fly away as far as i could. that wonderful sensation of feeling the air on your face and run through your fingers. its perfect… one jump and its good bye to all this madness. this though made me feel sane for a moment. the most sane thing a person can do is end it all. not have to put up with all the shit in this world. make your own decision. Say GOODBYE! But for this coward it is just Good Night.
Oh My! how ones thoughts can change in a matter of weeks..
(Source: icanread)
lips yearning…
a photograph by Yessika Marmol



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